Sunday, January 24, 2010

Two Bad Movies Go Head To Head: Whiteout vs. Armored… which is worse?

2009 had its share of good movies, Star Trek, District 9, Inglorious Bastards, Avatar, etc. It also, had many stinkers, and the most surprising of which were Wolverine Origins and Transformers 2. Though a few lesser known movies that will be hitting the video rental shelves at around the same time are the focus of this article, they are Whiteout and Armored. The reason being they were both heavily advertized but fall short of anything even resembling memorable.
ArmoredFirst off Armored, a movie about a group of security guards who drive money around protecting it from would be thieves. Sounds boring right? Yeah… it’s boring not only because of the subject matter but mostly because of the dialogue. It’s cheap and over used banter is so predictable that you almost think while watching it that the writer intended it to be ironic. No such luck. The movie plays out in a nonsense fashion coupled by a few unintentional and intentional deaths along the way. The hero is a VET of the Iraq war who has followed in his father’s footsteps to become a guardsman. Any attachment the viewer may have to the characters dissolves through the hole in the plot. Here’s a question, if these armored cars carry so much money wouldn’t it make sense for them to be lojacked? Every city vehicle nowadays has a GPS tracking its movements just in case it goes where it is not supposed to go, wouldn’t an armored car carrying millions of dollars have the same very basic safety feature. The idea that Mat Dillon could pull off a caper was enough of a stretch but to even mention a GPS tracker in the dialogue is just lazy. This is an awful movie and a waste of time, there are no redeeming qualities to it whatsoever.

Whiteout [Blu-ray]Now for Whiteout. Kate Beckinsale stars in the South Pole who done it. The movie is based on a graphic novel like many films these days, but this problem in this movie is the lack of surprise. In comparison to Armored Whiteout is the better film. The reason? Even though Whiteout is predictable and a bit silly, (silly being the chase sense where Beckinsale incredibly slowly unhooks then hooks herself onto a guide rope while being chased by a man wheedling a climbing axe… who then does the same.) If you can look past such underwhelming parts of the film you can enjoy a few story points rarely seen in any movie staring a beautiful woman. Spoilers ahead! In the movie Beckinsale’s character has a few extremities amputated, how many times do you see that in a movie?

Both of these films are not very good, but if you want the lesser of two movie evils watch Whiteout. Or just don’t what either and save yourself the disappointment.