While sitting through the two hours of the new Twilight movie you may find yourself asking this question to yourself: what the fuck is happening in this movie? In comparison to the overly silly first installment of this vampire film, the second will leave you longing for something to make fun of… wait scratch that, there were all of those bad jokes ranging from the retarded (yes retarded) ones about the Bella’s character being a Cougar, to the more apt yet still unfunny one about the vampire Edward being a cradle robber, since he is actually an old man, think pervy old man neighbor from Family Guy (mmmm). A perverted old man in a teenager’s body I can buy but not the one about Bella as a Cougar even in comparison to a teen wolf two years her junior.
The thing about this movie is that there is hardly any story to fill the two hours of the film’s run time. You can summarize the whole story in so many sentences. Vampire dude leaves Bella because it is not safe for her to be around vampires. Bella goes into an overly dramatic and over extended breakup pangs only to find a new man friend in the mechanically inclined teen wolf. The whole wolf boy thing is just a phase that Bella is going through and after an extended period of time she just gets back together with her vampire. When you hear about a movie about vampires and where wolves, you don’t expect those title points to be such a side note. The main event of the film consists of people gazing longingly and wolf man pecks. It’s pure school girl fantasy and an unhealthy fantasy at that; who cheers for a teenaged girl getting back together with an old man? It does not even seem like a movie, more like a collection chapters taken from Harlequin romance novels, out of sequence and painfully boring. Perhaps you need to be a lonely pail skinned teenaged girl to enjoy this movie. For the rest of us this it’s as good as an Ambient.
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